16 Jan Tripping the carer switch
I could tell my Mum was struggling. Everybody knows that seeing your Mum cry is one of the hardest things to comprehend, and it hadn’t been the only time that week. We had been through a lot together over the last few years, and we had both been struggling with piecing life back together after serious trauma.
Psilocybin had made a massive difference to my mental health. Before, I felt wired by anxiety and panic attacks most days and all-encompassing flashbacks at night. I started micro-dosing at first, which put an immediate halt to my panic attacks, and slowly built up to a 2 gram dose. I had an absolutely beautiful experience, where I felt a connection to all the love in the world that my brain hadn’t been accepting for a long time. I had clarity that my flashbacks weren’t stuck on a continual loop to plague me. I finally had hope that I could heal.
That morning with my Mum, I knew that we needed to try something new. She could see what plant medicine had done for me, and bravely agreed to try for herself. She had tried micro-dosing before and dismissed it as “it made me cry even more” (ahem – that’s sometimes how it works!), so a 2 gram dose was decided on. And I agreed to be her trip sitter!
My Mum tells her experiences, “On this particular morning, I decided that I had had enough; I wanted help clearing my mind, my insomnia and to try and find a way forward. After about 45 minutes into taking the dose I started to feel nauseous and my body felt heavy and tingly. I got into bed, I wanted to be somewhere quiet, warm and comfortable. Lying there I started to cry for no reason; I thought it wasn’t the psilocybin but just that I was feeling tired and emotional. As I lay there with my eyes closed, the visuals started to appear. The background was black with neon colours and lines. I also saw many Christmas patterns which I resented as I wasn’t particularly looking forward to Christmas.
I couldn’t connect with the music playing and started to feel at a complete loss and continually crying. I felt myself fall into a dark space; I saw my soul lying in a gutter. I started to feel like I was in a black box, open at the top with light flowing out of it. I so wanted to climb out of it and travel up into the light but I just could not. The emotions I felt were so raw and powerful, nothing like I had ever experienced before. “I shouldn’t have taken the psilocybin, today isn’t the right time.” I said to my daughter.
At this point, I was concerned. I knew I had to stay calm and help her through what she was experiencing. I changed the music and reassured Mum that she wouldn’t feel like this forever. It was part of the journey and to enjoy, relax into it rather than fighting it and meeting it with anxiety.
“I suddenly connected with this music and felt it inside me – a connection that was so beautiful and strong. I could feel myself rising up and the most amazing spiritual feeling came over me. The visuals changed to incredible golden colours with beautiful pinks and purples. I was in a place of absolute beauty and felt total wellbeing. I had an overwhelming feeling of privilege and honour to be experiencing what I saw and felt. I was now crying with pure happiness and peace. I told my daughter, everybody in the world needs to experience this. I was left with a feeling that my head was now clear of the negative thought patterns I had previously experienced. I felt the experience was more profound as it took me from as low as I had ever been, with no belief I could ever rise from it, to an elevated feeling of peace and immense beauty.”
I’m so proud of my Mum for trying psilocybin – facing up to your inner thoughts and own consciousness is no easy feat. She has supported me through so much and shared so much of my own pain that she deserves to be at peace and I’m so happy that psilocybin has given her that. To be able to put her trust not only in me, but in the plant and completely surrender to it was an emotional and complex experience. The emotions we hold within ourselves can be overpowering, confusing and intense. Seeing my Mum take down these defences allowed us both to have an experience we will never forget.